starting over

I am realizing that I am too perfectionistic when it comes to weight loss and I have all or nothing thinking. I am trying to take a new approach adn focus on reading my scriptures daily and praying more. SO far so Good. God is giving me the help to make small changes little by little. TOday I am starting the 5 day reset with USANA. I feel great when I do it. after those 5 days I will try to get back into the TAPOUT workout. be a little beter everyday. Dont' make unrealistic goals. Baby steps and God will help me over come my weaknesses. I need to stay humble and realize I am nothing without Him and ask for his guidance daily. Have actions that match my goals. pray for strength. Herb and I have booth been suffering with depression symptoms this month. He has lost weight, I have gained weight. He has not slept well. I think we are overwhelmend with life and the changes going on. We havne't had money for a vacation for a while now and I dont' think we have done too many fun things that Herb and I enjoy. We havent had money and we spend our life doing things to make sure our daughter is happy. I need to get more in tune with hte Lords spirit and I know I cna succeed and everything will work out.

Good News

Today I ahve been sick with Herb's stomach flu bug. no throwing up, just bad chills adn stomach pain and felt like I was going to throw up I am very upset with myself that I didn't get a free ipad from USANA> The customer service rep told me wrong, and now tehre are none left. I was so sad, I cried. we could have used that. I did get good news. The OBGYN told em my results from my FSH follicle stimulating hormone test. It does not show me in menopause at all! halleluleigh! It shows a slight drop in level but she said it was fine for pregnancy. I am to try for 6 months and if not pregnant I will then have to see a reproductive specialist. My regular doctor is putting me on metformin for my diabetes. I have been told by some that metformin helped them get pregnant. Interesting. I am hopeful and feel good about this. eating healthy and exercising once I am over this sickness. working on getting my blood sugars down. I haven't been eating much today as my tummy has been ill. I slept a lot today. was freezing. now I am warm. I am supposed to work tomorrow. we need the money adn I want to do the job. feeling like I do tonight, I wouldn't be going. I still have a fever.

Recognizing and being honest.

you can't change what you dont' acknowledge. Making excuses will never get me to my goals. So I will be completely honest and get this off my chest as to why I stopped exercising and eating right. SO have fallen off track on goals and everything. our family has been sick a bunch. WE are all sick right now. I got strep. EIlee a sore throat and cold. and Herb the flu. Not a fun few weeks. Herb and I have also been depressed somewhat. We are worried about how we will make it with the furlough and a loss of 20% of his pay. We have some food storage, but not any money in savings due to bills and credit card debt from our high mortgage rate we had. I need to do a lot of changing. I need to in order to be happy and figure out how to make it through the next 6 weeks. Exercise is a key to health. My blood sugars have been much higher as i have eaten more sugary foods and white flour foods. Cheap and easy..Fast. i know that is an excuse. I have realized in reading up on overeating/binge eating that people go into a food trance after they eat a lot of food or high carb foods. It kind of numbs you for a while when emotions are high. I need to figure out my emotions. If they are due to abandonment, not feeling important to people, scared of dying young if I dont' lose weight. WOrrying about not having more kids, and not having money to adopt a child. I always wanted 10 kids. then later in life at least 3-4. I have realized that what I thought I woudl be at 43 isnt' what I thought I woudl be. I can change. It will take a lot of effort and I think that I have been trying to do this on my own. I really havent' been seeking the Lord earnestly. It is like He is knocking on the door and I am not opening it. I believe He can help me. and Give me answers to all my questions fears, emotional problems etc. Now I feel like I have blow the opportunity of having children because I was afraid, now I worry that I might die due to complications. it is a scary feat. I need to go to the temple and fast and pray about this again. TOmorrow I am having a blood test that will tell me if my eggs are still viable. If it is even possible to have kids. The OBGYn said to see an endocrinologist for my diabetes and to get that under control first. But everything else is ok. SO tomorrow is a big deal. I wonder if I got a bit depressed thinking this test was an end all...would lose hope and I already did. I know it is in God s hands if he wants me to have a baby I will. But i need to alos show my part in this and get healthier. Addictions and weaknesses suck and I am tired of trying to do this on my own. I need to rely on my Savior....

Day 11

Ok so I have missed a few days of entrys.. I haven't been on my A game. We have all been under the weather, and especially Eilee throwing up etc.. So I feel off the exercise horse. I am going to get back on. I have to let go of the perfect adn all or nothing thinking. I missed a day, and have felt bad about that, and it turned into a few days with sick family and excuses. ;I wonder sometimes if I will ever change. I swear I feel like Nephi in the Book of Mormon when he wrote 2 Nephi 4: 17 Nevertheless, notwithstanding the great goodness of the Lord, in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities. 18 I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me. 19 And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted. 20 My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep. 21 He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh. 22 He hath confounded mine enemies, unto the causing of them to quake before me. 23 Behold, he hath heard my cry by day, and he hath given me knowledge by visions in the night-time. 24 And by day have I waxed bold in mighty prayer before him; yea, my voice have I sent up on high; and angels came down and ministered unto me. 25 And upon the wings of his Spirit hath my body been carried away upon exceedingly high mountains. And mine eyes have beheld great things, yea, even too great for man; therefore I was bidden that I should not write them. 26 O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so muchbmercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions? 27 And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy? 28 Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul. 29 Do not anger again because of mine enemies. Do not slacken my strength because of mine afflictions. 30 Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation. 31 O Lord, wilt thou redeem my soul? Wilt thou deliver me out of the hands of mine enemies? Wilt thou make me that I may shake at the appearance of sin? 32 May the gates of hell be shut continually before me, because that my heart is broken and my spirit is contrite! O Lord, wilt thou not shut the gates of thy righteousness before me, that I may walk in the path of the low valley, that I may be strict in the plain road! 33 O Lord, wilt thou encircle me around in the robe of thy righteousness! O Lord, wilt thou make a way for mine escape before mine enemies! Wilt thou make my path straight before me! Wilt thou not place a stumbling block in my way—but that thou wouldst clear my way before me, and hedge not up my way, but the ways of mine enemy. 34 O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his rust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm. 35 Yea, I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh. Yea, my God will give me, if I ask not amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, I will cry unto thee, my God, the rock of my righteousness. Behold, my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God. Amen. I think a huge problem is that I slackened my strength because of afflictions,and a stopped praying about my goal. I ate foods at Eilee's birthdya party that threw me off. I have been so tired, and busy working and felt worn out. I need to continue in prayer. This weekend is fast Sunday, and I am glad because I really need to get some spiritual strength, and find success in my life with myself. I am successful in so many areas, just not with myself.

Day 7 REST DAY

SO glad to have a rest day.. I have been sore.. my calf now and legs getting up adn down from sitting position is a bit sore a good sore.  Having a good rest day. enjoying not having to exercise today and rest from teh cares of the world. I love the Sabbath day
Eilee is having a sleepover for her birthday. Herb and I are both so tired...busy week ahead too. Must get exercise in.. and I will!
a few peole at church today commented on my face looking smaller, that I was looking healthier and another that I looked like I had lost weight again.
This has only been a week and I feel and see soem physical changes. I am loving this!

Day 6

So today I got up so early, and then we worked out so late. Herb and I were both tired and didnt' want to do the workout, but we did. It was a really hard one, sprawl and brawl. Lots of kick boxing moves. The exciting part of this whole thing, is that in 6 days, I notice a difference in my tummy and legs and that they seem more muscular and I have less fat showing!! More tone!  YEAH!  I can also do the exercises easier than I did on day one. I can finally get up adn down from push up position to standing a lot faster. I am feeling so good about this. I did eat a cheese danish..and some popcorn. but today I ate a lot of vegetables!  I love eating egg white with all kinds ofveggies int eh morning. spinach, broccoli mushrooms onion. My favorite breakfast!  Three fruits today. I am doing better, I feel better and my blood sugars were even lower this morning. SO happy! So glad I am doing this workout with Herb, we help each other on the days we don't want to do it.
I can hardly wait to see what I look like on Mother's Day!  I will not stop this workout! I will finish it!  YEAH ME!
also I  was so sore coming up stairs, but the time I got from the basement to my bedroom, I thought my legs were going to collapse...Looks like motrin for me tonight.
Church tomorrow, the choir is singing  "I need thee every hour"  I hope all goes well. My choir die hards are so awesome!  I love them all so much, and appreciate all they do!

Day 5

Today was a big day. I had an appointment with a new OBGYN. We talked about all my concerns. She reminded me that nothing is ever 100% sure you will or wont' get pregnant. She was very nice and encouraging.  I am going to take a blood test on day 3 of my period to see if my eggs are still good. (like if I am still producing them well)  I am also going to see an endocrinologist to more closely monitor my blood sugars and diabetes. She wants them under 95 in the morning. I have to lower the morning one for sure. She said that my pregnancy would be high risk no matter what because of my age and to be prepared at worst to spend the later part in a hospital again.  worst case scenario, but not to be afraid. To have more faith than fear and that if it is meant to happen it will. Not to stress about it. Give it 6 months of trying to get pregnant then think about other measures for fertility.  I am excited to take this test to find out if I have the ability to get  pregnant.  I still have regular periods, and that is good. I am going to fast next fast Sunday about this test. To be accepting of whatever it is.. good or bad.  To know God's will for our family.
THe best thing for diabetes is weight loss and diet and exercise. I am doing all of them. Working on it.
I felt so blessed. As I was driving home, I was putting pieces together and seeing God's hand in all my "vicissitudes"  (sudden changes in life)  (out of the ordinary occurrences) With each of these challenges, God has helped me through and I remain fairly healthy.
In my patriarchal blessing, it tells em that as I withstand the vicissitudes of life, I will prove myself worthy to enter into God's presence. God is helping me through each adn every one, and I am getting stronger.  All in all I was hopeful and happy with my visit.  God's will is always best. He knows what is best for us.  Mine and Herb's Patriarchal blessings talk of more children. We just need to figure out how and who needs to come to our family.
As far as TAPOUT goes. I was so tired and felt like I had no energy tonight to do the workout....just kidding, I did it legs and back. It was good and I felt more awake.  I have to go to work tomorrow and am dreading it. 5:30 comes early, especially on a Saturday.