Day 2 Carb addiction withdrawals....

I am feeling great adn can hardly believe I lost more weight. I feel fine, not too hungry dont' think of food. great easy recipies with real food that I eat all the time. Loving this plan. I can't believe I lost another almost 4 pounds. I have never lost this much weight. I know when I got on the scale on Monday, it really depressed me to know I had gained so much weight. I know that I am making big changes and that Heavenly Father is helping me, and moving this mountain of weight. After losing almost 10 I am very motivated. I am feeling good about this and know it is not gimmicky, just eating food that stimulate fat loss..healthy foods. Dairy veggies protein fruits. I will start my next phase in a few days and it will be like a mediterranean diet. blood sugars down! Blood pressure down! Weight Down! Win win! I can't wait to see waht happens in just three weeks. Final thought.. I had forgotten how addicted to carpohydrates(the bad ones) I was...I have had headaches for a few days and I am sure it is detoxing and going off those bad carbs I was eating. I need to realize how crappy that feels, so I will never want to go through detox again! I have been drinking plenty of water. I am so happy my daughter is eating better and taking after me! I loved having a good healthy snack of pistachios and watermelon with her yesterday!

Day 1

Was loving the digest diet. never thought of food. felt good. ate normal foods and somehow lost 6 lbs....that waa great. there really are no gimmicky foods.. all normal foods, no weird supplements. They say that the foods that we are encouraged to eat are fat releaser foods. Yeah for that, if they do that. I am glad to be back on track. we had a family home evening on exercise, as our family wants to get more active again. It's hard when my knee is messed up. we foound some cute charts that tell us to eat so many veggie, fruits and water, do sit ups, push ups etc...Eilee loves it and is drinking her water. will see the orthopedic dr tonight. hope I dont' need surgery. I need to work this week and for the next two months. Life is good. I am moving forward, and in the right direction. Feeling happy and hopeful.

Starting over again

I am starting a new weight loss diet from readers digest. It is called "the digest diet" I researched the pros and cons. there were no cons. Real food. easy to follow. On the first day, I swear I am peeing a ton! I am not drinking a lot extra or eating too many foods with diuretic properties. It says you will eat foods that release fat. also my blood sugars went down to 114 this afternoon! so far so good. If Only I can get my knee better. It popped and made noises and it hurts to bend it. and elevate it too. I am going ot see a dr tomorrow hope it is nothing serious. I need to be able to work to support our family through the furlough, as my hubby loses 10% of his paycheck for hte next three months. I feel good about this program. am excited to try something new. I have gained 20-30 pounds since my lowest. NOT GOOD AT ALL~ I was preparing a family home evening lesson and found a good thought. all things, unless constantly acted upon are in a state of digression. Nothing is in neutral. you are either moving forward, or moving back. Take a new piece of furniture. the day it was finished, it started to deteriorate...break down get old. just like a car, once you drive it off hte lot, it looses value. we need to take care of it etc.. I figure this relates to our bodies. We are either taking care of them and getting stronger, or if we are not taking care of them, deteriorating and getting closer to death. Good thought. I have definitely been moving backward the past few months. lots of stress and working lots of hours. eating out. bad choices. not exercising. I need to rely on God more for my weakness. Not try to do it alone. like I have for so long. I am a good person, I have a good life with my little family. I am blessed. I want to be around for them and not die young. I think of dying young everyday, and quite often sometimes several times a day. I think that being obese=death. and that I need to take care of me. I think I need to start with loving me and not being so critical of myself. I swear I am so negative on myself, I am never that negative on other people, I would never say the things to them that I say to myself....go figure...I know God loves me. Its' just I am frustrated with my self and feel like a failure in so many things. weight debt, housekeeping education...lots of things I haven't accomplished or cant' get a grip on consistently. balance is a hard thing. ALL I KNOW IS DAILY PRAYER WILL HELP ME AND GOD WILL HELP ME TO DO THE THINGS MOST IMPORTANT. the small and simple things I do, I will be blessed and great things can happen.

starting over

I am realizing that I am too perfectionistic when it comes to weight loss and I have all or nothing thinking. I am trying to take a new approach adn focus on reading my scriptures daily and praying more. SO far so Good. God is giving me the help to make small changes little by little. TOday I am starting the 5 day reset with USANA. I feel great when I do it. after those 5 days I will try to get back into the TAPOUT workout. be a little beter everyday. Dont' make unrealistic goals. Baby steps and God will help me over come my weaknesses. I need to stay humble and realize I am nothing without Him and ask for his guidance daily. Have actions that match my goals. pray for strength. Herb and I have booth been suffering with depression symptoms this month. He has lost weight, I have gained weight. He has not slept well. I think we are overwhelmend with life and the changes going on. We havne't had money for a vacation for a while now and I dont' think we have done too many fun things that Herb and I enjoy. We havent had money and we spend our life doing things to make sure our daughter is happy. I need to get more in tune with hte Lords spirit and I know I cna succeed and everything will work out.

Good News

Today I ahve been sick with Herb's stomach flu bug. no throwing up, just bad chills adn stomach pain and felt like I was going to throw up I am very upset with myself that I didn't get a free ipad from USANA> The customer service rep told me wrong, and now tehre are none left. I was so sad, I cried. we could have used that. I did get good news. The OBGYN told em my results from my FSH follicle stimulating hormone test. It does not show me in menopause at all! halleluleigh! It shows a slight drop in level but she said it was fine for pregnancy. I am to try for 6 months and if not pregnant I will then have to see a reproductive specialist. My regular doctor is putting me on metformin for my diabetes. I have been told by some that metformin helped them get pregnant. Interesting. I am hopeful and feel good about this. eating healthy and exercising once I am over this sickness. working on getting my blood sugars down. I haven't been eating much today as my tummy has been ill. I slept a lot today. was freezing. now I am warm. I am supposed to work tomorrow. we need the money adn I want to do the job. feeling like I do tonight, I wouldn't be going. I still have a fever.

Recognizing and being honest.

you can't change what you dont' acknowledge. Making excuses will never get me to my goals. So I will be completely honest and get this off my chest as to why I stopped exercising and eating right. SO have fallen off track on goals and everything. our family has been sick a bunch. WE are all sick right now. I got strep. EIlee a sore throat and cold. and Herb the flu. Not a fun few weeks. Herb and I have also been depressed somewhat. We are worried about how we will make it with the furlough and a loss of 20% of his pay. We have some food storage, but not any money in savings due to bills and credit card debt from our high mortgage rate we had. I need to do a lot of changing. I need to in order to be happy and figure out how to make it through the next 6 weeks. Exercise is a key to health. My blood sugars have been much higher as i have eaten more sugary foods and white flour foods. Cheap and easy..Fast. i know that is an excuse. I have realized in reading up on overeating/binge eating that people go into a food trance after they eat a lot of food or high carb foods. It kind of numbs you for a while when emotions are high. I need to figure out my emotions. If they are due to abandonment, not feeling important to people, scared of dying young if I dont' lose weight. WOrrying about not having more kids, and not having money to adopt a child. I always wanted 10 kids. then later in life at least 3-4. I have realized that what I thought I woudl be at 43 isnt' what I thought I woudl be. I can change. It will take a lot of effort and I think that I have been trying to do this on my own. I really havent' been seeking the Lord earnestly. It is like He is knocking on the door and I am not opening it. I believe He can help me. and Give me answers to all my questions fears, emotional problems etc. Now I feel like I have blow the opportunity of having children because I was afraid, now I worry that I might die due to complications. it is a scary feat. I need to go to the temple and fast and pray about this again. TOmorrow I am having a blood test that will tell me if my eggs are still viable. If it is even possible to have kids. The OBGYn said to see an endocrinologist for my diabetes and to get that under control first. But everything else is ok. SO tomorrow is a big deal. I wonder if I got a bit depressed thinking this test was an end all...would lose hope and I already did. I know it is in God s hands if he wants me to have a baby I will. But i need to alos show my part in this and get healthier. Addictions and weaknesses suck and I am tired of trying to do this on my own. I need to rely on my Savior....

Day 11

Ok so I have missed a few days of entrys.. I haven't been on my A game. We have all been under the weather, and especially Eilee throwing up etc.. So I feel off the exercise horse. I am going to get back on. I have to let go of the perfect adn all or nothing thinking. I missed a day, and have felt bad about that, and it turned into a few days with sick family and excuses. ;I wonder sometimes if I will ever change. I swear I feel like Nephi in the Book of Mormon when he wrote 2 Nephi 4: 17 Nevertheless, notwithstanding the great goodness of the Lord, in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities. 18 I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me. 19 And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted. 20 My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep. 21 He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh. 22 He hath confounded mine enemies, unto the causing of them to quake before me. 23 Behold, he hath heard my cry by day, and he hath given me knowledge by visions in the night-time. 24 And by day have I waxed bold in mighty prayer before him; yea, my voice have I sent up on high; and angels came down and ministered unto me. 25 And upon the wings of his Spirit hath my body been carried away upon exceedingly high mountains. And mine eyes have beheld great things, yea, even too great for man; therefore I was bidden that I should not write them. 26 O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so muchbmercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions? 27 And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy? 28 Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul. 29 Do not anger again because of mine enemies. Do not slacken my strength because of mine afflictions. 30 Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation. 31 O Lord, wilt thou redeem my soul? Wilt thou deliver me out of the hands of mine enemies? Wilt thou make me that I may shake at the appearance of sin? 32 May the gates of hell be shut continually before me, because that my heart is broken and my spirit is contrite! O Lord, wilt thou not shut the gates of thy righteousness before me, that I may walk in the path of the low valley, that I may be strict in the plain road! 33 O Lord, wilt thou encircle me around in the robe of thy righteousness! O Lord, wilt thou make a way for mine escape before mine enemies! Wilt thou make my path straight before me! Wilt thou not place a stumbling block in my way—but that thou wouldst clear my way before me, and hedge not up my way, but the ways of mine enemy. 34 O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his rust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm. 35 Yea, I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh. Yea, my God will give me, if I ask not amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, I will cry unto thee, my God, the rock of my righteousness. Behold, my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God. Amen. I think a huge problem is that I slackened my strength because of afflictions,and a stopped praying about my goal. I ate foods at Eilee's birthdya party that threw me off. I have been so tired, and busy working and felt worn out. I need to continue in prayer. This weekend is fast Sunday, and I am glad because I really need to get some spiritual strength, and find success in my life with myself. I am successful in so many areas, just not with myself.

Day 7 REST DAY

SO glad to have a rest day.. I have been sore.. my calf now and legs getting up adn down from sitting position is a bit sore a good sore.  Having a good rest day. enjoying not having to exercise today and rest from teh cares of the world. I love the Sabbath day
Eilee is having a sleepover for her birthday. Herb and I are both so tired...busy week ahead too. Must get exercise in.. and I will!
a few peole at church today commented on my face looking smaller, that I was looking healthier and another that I looked like I had lost weight again.
This has only been a week and I feel and see soem physical changes. I am loving this!

Day 6

So today I got up so early, and then we worked out so late. Herb and I were both tired and didnt' want to do the workout, but we did. It was a really hard one, sprawl and brawl. Lots of kick boxing moves. The exciting part of this whole thing, is that in 6 days, I notice a difference in my tummy and legs and that they seem more muscular and I have less fat showing!! More tone!  YEAH!  I can also do the exercises easier than I did on day one. I can finally get up adn down from push up position to standing a lot faster. I am feeling so good about this. I did eat a cheese danish..and some popcorn. but today I ate a lot of vegetables!  I love eating egg white with all kinds ofveggies int eh morning. spinach, broccoli mushrooms onion. My favorite breakfast!  Three fruits today. I am doing better, I feel better and my blood sugars were even lower this morning. SO happy! So glad I am doing this workout with Herb, we help each other on the days we don't want to do it.
I can hardly wait to see what I look like on Mother's Day!  I will not stop this workout! I will finish it!  YEAH ME!
also I  was so sore coming up stairs, but the time I got from the basement to my bedroom, I thought my legs were going to collapse...Looks like motrin for me tonight.
Church tomorrow, the choir is singing  "I need thee every hour"  I hope all goes well. My choir die hards are so awesome!  I love them all so much, and appreciate all they do!

Day 5

Today was a big day. I had an appointment with a new OBGYN. We talked about all my concerns. She reminded me that nothing is ever 100% sure you will or wont' get pregnant. She was very nice and encouraging.  I am going to take a blood test on day 3 of my period to see if my eggs are still good. (like if I am still producing them well)  I am also going to see an endocrinologist to more closely monitor my blood sugars and diabetes. She wants them under 95 in the morning. I have to lower the morning one for sure. She said that my pregnancy would be high risk no matter what because of my age and to be prepared at worst to spend the later part in a hospital again.  worst case scenario, but not to be afraid. To have more faith than fear and that if it is meant to happen it will. Not to stress about it. Give it 6 months of trying to get pregnant then think about other measures for fertility.  I am excited to take this test to find out if I have the ability to get  pregnant.  I still have regular periods, and that is good. I am going to fast next fast Sunday about this test. To be accepting of whatever it is.. good or bad.  To know God's will for our family.
THe best thing for diabetes is weight loss and diet and exercise. I am doing all of them. Working on it.
I felt so blessed. As I was driving home, I was putting pieces together and seeing God's hand in all my "vicissitudes"  (sudden changes in life)  (out of the ordinary occurrences) With each of these challenges, God has helped me through and I remain fairly healthy.
In my patriarchal blessing, it tells em that as I withstand the vicissitudes of life, I will prove myself worthy to enter into God's presence. God is helping me through each adn every one, and I am getting stronger.  All in all I was hopeful and happy with my visit.  God's will is always best. He knows what is best for us.  Mine and Herb's Patriarchal blessings talk of more children. We just need to figure out how and who needs to come to our family.
As far as TAPOUT goes. I was so tired and felt like I had no energy tonight to do the workout....just kidding, I did it legs and back. It was good and I felt more awake.  I have to go to work tomorrow and am dreading it. 5:30 comes early, especially on a Saturday.

Day 4

Did I say that I am loving this workout! I was so sore today, and limping around some. We decided to do the yoga workout tonight instead of hte morning. I was tired, but I still did it and I feel great. It was hard for me as all the workouts are, due to my weight. HE does a lto of push ups and weight bearing exercises. I do my best and I dont' give up. It is hard but worth it!  I am so happy that I have this workout. I feel good.

Had a great valentines day. Herb had flowers delivered, the first time ever!  It made my year!  Eilee gave me a sweet card and a picture of a pink rose. she said it was made because I can't see any of my mom's pink roses on the rose bush in the winter. What a thoughtful girl. I am so blessed to be her mom. Being a mom is great. makes me want more kiddos!  I am hoping this exercise and weight loss is going to get me one!  I have to work on my eating. I ate a few things off program today.  some chocolate and potatoes and cake and ice cream...UGH. I looking back...I need to write everything down again. More people lose weight if they write down everything they eat...next goal...write down every single thing I eat....

I feel a bit over whelmed, with being sore and trying to get my house ready for Eilee's birthday party on Sunday/Monday.  I know I can do it.. I just need to make a to do list...I really hate cleaning.. I just want to say that. Once I get cleaning, I get into it..it is just getting going..when you are sore, it is harder!  LOL.  I also wish our sink wasnt' leaking.. I dont' have money to fix it right now, and have to use the left side only adn no garbage disposal use.  Not easy when it comes to dishes, but still better than the pioneers. Today was a good day. I am glad to be alive and feeling healthier everyday.

Tomorrow is my visit with the new OBGYN. I will post how that goes. I am going to ask all my concerns and fears and get her opinion about me having a baby at my age with diabetes, and at my weight.
I think I worry so much, because when I was first pregnant with Eilee and tried to get an OBGYN, they all told me they wouldn't take me because I weighed 30 pounds too much. They put a thoutth in my mind that I was at risk, when I had no known health problems.. I called 12 OBGYN inFfredericksburg and they all told me they wouldnt' take me as a patient and that I had to go down to Richmond.  For the first two months I went to Richmond for my appointments. I then worried all the time and was a mess. Thinking I would harm my baby at my weight. I delivered a healthy baby thanks to Dr Said Ali. He told me not to worry, and that I was a normal woman having a baby, and if anything came up, he woudl help em through it.  He also told me not to look things up online. I LOVE LOVE LOVE Dr ALi. I am kind of sad to go see another OBGYN because I love him so and he was so good to me.  He even came and help me when they were trying to put in the epidural and they wouldn't let Herb in.  The nurse said he never did that with anyone and I must be special.  He is great, If I deliver with him, it would have to be at southern Maryland hospital near the 495 beltway near washington DC in Prince Georges county. . I had to be 3 weeks int he hospital before Eilee was delivered, and it was so far away. I would prefer to be closer to home. so I am wishing and hoping that tomorrow goes well.

PS I actually weigh 30 pounds less than I did when I got pregnant with Eilee.  After Eilee was delivered, I had only gained 8 pounds. I then put on weight due to post partum depression.  I went to my highest weight ever.  I then lost 30 and then 30 and am working on making it 70.  So I am on my way and definitely healthier than past years.

Day 3

So his morning was a killer workout. It was a lot of leg work. WE had to work out last night too with our schedule. So I am so sore. It feels great though. I ate healthy and I woke up with my blood sugars lower than I have seen them in a long time. I am not on any medication and the blood glucose is not under 100 yet, but according to the American Diabetes Association I have pretty good control. I am going to keep it that way.
Even if I am sore, I am happy to be sore. It is a hard workout and I can tell that I am getting better adn stronger already. It reminds me of some of my healthiest times of my life when I weight so much less when I was doing karate. It feels great!  Life is good. I can do this!  I like that with this program you dont' weigh in except on days 10, 30,60 and 90.  That is good for me.  I have an all or nothing way of thinking and it has not helped me in the past. I am trying to overcome that kind of thought pattern. I would daily and get frustrated with the scale....I would eat a little bit off program and throw in the towel for a day, then that turned into a week. I have learned that by small and simple things great things can happen and I dont' have to be perfect, just keep trying and I will be healthier.
I am trying to work through my emotional eating. I seem to want to eat junk when I am frustrated, or alone, and or tired.. I need to work through these kinds of emotions and eat healthy stuff. I usually want sugary or crunchy foods.. I am eating fruit when I want sweet and carrots when I want crunchy.
PS did I say I am sore!  SORE SORE.. It hurts even when I sit still.  BUT IT IS  A GREAT SORE!  I am loving my body more and more everyday. The more I take care of it, the more I love it!

Day 2

SO yesterday was an awesome day. I shared it with Eilee and her Grammy Cheryl. We went to a birthday lunch and had Eilee's hair cut, and pictures done for her 8th birthday. We also went to see the heart doctor for a follow up on her heart.  All looks good, and no problems for her. We made a day of it since we live 40 minutes away from the doctor!
I enjoyed the workout yesterday, but my right hamstring didn't.  It was so sore, I could hardly lift my right leg into my van at the end of the day. I have been icing it and taking motrin. I am determined to do my workout today, even at a lower impact!  I will not stop this exercise goal!  I am going to accomplish it.  I felt good yesterday and made good eating choices.  Feeling a bit tired today. Today I have a mammogram appointment and an appointment with my skin doctor in Maryland to make sure I have no skin cancer on me!  Hoping both tests are good.

Ok Part two of today. Skin Doctor took a mole off to be tested. She didnt' see too worried about it just wanted to make sure I didn't have a cancerous mole on my back.  I was less sore this afternoon, and did some shopping for Eilee's birthday party. I ate at cafe rio..(a yummy place that I used to eat at in Utah)  LOVE IT  I had a salad!  YUM!  I did eat the flour tortilla....not a great choice.  But I feel much better, and am eating healhtier the more I exercise. I am feeling more like I did in Utah when I was doing kick boxing and eating right. When I was my thinnest.. I am so excited to do this workout for the next 88 days.
 I have a lot ot do with Eilee's party and baptism coming up. A very exciting time in an 8 year old life. I can hardly believe she is 8. Time seems to have flown.  It really makes me want to have more kids soon, or they will grow up without a big sister, as Eilee will be off to college!  LOL.
 My youngest of my older brothers graduated high school when I started kindergarten.  I felt like an only child. I was spoiled, and I think my brothers resent me for it. I was also the only girl.  It wasn't my fault I came along when I did. My parents were more well off than when my brothers were little.They let me do more than my brothers.  They helped me to do a lot of cool things. I was a very blessed little girl, and I miss my parents dearly. I miss their love and support and encouragement and advice. They were two of the awesomest people I know!
I did keep praying when it was tough today, even when I was exercising and it hurt to get up and down off hte floor. I kept going. slowly and after about 15 minutes, it didnt' hurt so much and I was able to get up and down easier. I kept praying and I believe God helped me.
So I researched feug shui and pregnancy/fertility.  There are some things you can do to bring good feelings to your home, to invite babies into your life. I figure, I can use all the good vibes I can.  It suggetst nothing in your entryway so you can invite new babies into your home. Clean and organize your home and have a space for the new little one.  It suggested green sheets. I actaully got some (we needed new ones anyway) I LOVE LOVE LOVE the green it is a happy color for me to see on my bed and they are very pretty.. If it brings good health vibes, all  the better  LOL.  I also read that the male needs to have a dragon..a smaller one on his night stand. I found a dragon I bourght online, for Herb..LOL but it was actually bigger than I thought it woudl be when It arrived....LOL  and lastly, today I was the the christmas Tree store and I finally saw some white elephants...they were really cheap, and I read that if you put them outside the door to your bedroom, it bring good pregnancy karma!  LOL  so we shall see.. a little Valentines day present for me!  If anything, having things around your house that symbolize stuff is a good thing.  Things tha tbring good thoughts.  I am not sure I am 100% conviced tha tfeug shui will do a lot...for fertility. but hey it is worth a try.. There are some funny things it said to do...like pet hte elephants when you walk by them.. I told Herb that and we laughed so hard.. WE ARE NOT PETTING ANY ELEPHANTS!  that is so silly!

Day 1 Tapout

I have decided to start this blog to record my thoughts and feelings of my 90 day tapout journey.  I am excited to start this, as I have had no real success with exercise since moving to Virginia almost 10 years ago. I finally decided it is because I am not doing what I enjoy.  I need to like what I do to help lose weight and strengthen my body. We have no karate dojo's here in King George that appeal to me, and do the kind of martial arts I loved in Utah.  We bought the Tapout XT and HErb and I started trying it last week. I was so sore, but it felt good. I have always enjoyed martial arts. It was hard, and I was rolling around on the floor and got rug burns on my arm and hands. (since then I bought gloves and it worked much better as well as wearing a long sleeved shirt)  I am really enjoying getting up at 6 am and getting my exercise over with. I am hoping to lose a significant amount of weight on this 90 day journey.  I am hoping to get off my medications. I take a blood pressure medicine. I was taking various diabetes medicines, but they dont' seem to do much for my blood sugars, exercise has the best benefit, so I stopped taking them.
I am hoping to feel healthier and have more hope in having another baby. I would love to have a brother or sister for my daughter Eilee, and increase our family. I do feel like someone is missing. I am hoping that this workout program will help me to feel more confident in a healthy pregnancy. I am going to switch OBGNY doctors and I have felt that I needed to do this. I love love love my current one, but felt that I needed to switch. I found one in Fredericksburg that I am going to call and have a consultation to see what she thinks about an almost 43 year old like myself having a baby.  She specializes in older pregnancies. I feel good after tapout and am happy to start my day.  I am excited to be finishing tapout the day before mother's day. It owudl be awesome to find out I am pregnant by mother's day. If it is God's will, I know it can happen. I have to do my part, and God will do the rest. I have faith in Him, and I know this journey will not be easy, but it will be worth it.  I am so glad to be doing this workout with my wonderful husband Herb. He is amazing and I am so glad we have each other on this journey in life.
So I called this morning to make an appointment with a new OBGYN, to have a consultation about getting pregnant.  I got an appointment for this Friday.  I have avoided being pregnant for the past 8 years because I have been afraid to be pregnant again.  I had carpal tunnel and diabetes and Toxemia when I was rpegnant with Eilee.  I had to taek insulin shots, but that wasnt' hard. I ate right adn kept my blood sugars under control for the baby.  I was hospitalized for 3 weeks prior to Eilee's birth, and had to be induced a month early  Herb says that was three days over 36 weeks, and not quite a month. I say   a month.  She was 21 Inches and 8 lb 14 ounces. A full size baby and perfect. She has been healthy. I then had the worst post partum depression that one can have, and it took me at least two years to get back to normal me.  I worry about having a baby with defects due to my health. I had heart surgery for a heart arrythmia due to sleep apnea 2 years ago.  I had my heart check up last week and it is still fixed.  I was also diagnosed with Melanoma the same week. A nurse found that I had a black mole on my back the day of my heart surgery.  Since having heart surgery and Melanoma, I have developed general anxiety disorder symptoms, I have worried about my health a lto the past two years. My doctors ahve said I was ok to have a baby, and I want' that unhealthy in lab reports. I worry however that being obese and pregnant is not a good thing, and that i can have a baby with health problems and I would blame myself for it.  I also worry about complications and dying if I were to get pregnant.  SO as you can see, this is a big leap of faith for me.  I konw if it is God's will, it can happen. Like i said before , I do feel like someone is missing.. I ma not sure how they will get here, if it will be by pregnancy or adoption.  My 90 day goals are going to put me right up to Mother's Day.  It woudl be a dream come true to be confident and pregnant on Mother's Day.  I am asking God to help me make this miracle happen for my family. I will do my part, and if I do, I know He will help me.